My Religious Bucket List in Chicago, Part 5: Unity Temple Oak Park

Perhaps just to form the starkest contrast possible with our trip to the Mormons, this time my Woman and I went the the Unitarian Universalist Unity Temple in Oak Park, Illinois. In fairness, there was one thing that the two had in common: we couldn't find the sanctuary at first in the Unity Temple either! Eventually, right before the service started, we just followed the stream of people, but it really is an odd little set-up.

Speaking of odd set-ups, that's the best way to describe the sanctuary inside too. It wasn't bad, it was just very unusual, although it did remind me a bit of Saint Clare's in Ann Arbor because of the seating in the round. But this was a little bit like someone had taken Saint Clare's and put it in a kaleidoscope. There was a main-level seating area where the pews just faced the front which had a dais for the pastor and such. Then around that there were 3 levels of balconies with pews in them, staggered at odd intervals. The first level was below the main level, so your heads were about on par with those people's knees. The second level was just above them, so your knees were on level with their heads and the third one was higher still. It worked, but I would have felt a little odd in the lowest level, I think, although it was closest to the exit so perhaps it worked best for people with fussy children or who don't like to sit still for very long.

I'll admit now that I don't ever feel quite right in a Unitarian church. I've always found them to be lovely people, but I like rules. And that (might) be the one thing (most) Unitarians could agree to oppose! (I kid, sort of.)

Anyway, the hymns were pretty, if totally unfamiliar to me because they didn't mention God. The sermon was primarily about introversion versus extroversion with a reading from The Phantom Tollbooth, which is one of my Woman's favorite books. That got our attention and it provided me with a lot to think about. For example: I identify as an introvert. My Woman thinks that's poppycock because I am so much more extroverted than her. After listening to the sermon and thinking about it for a while, I think I am much more towards the middle, but definitely still on the side of the introvert.

The whole thing left us feeling bubbly and happy, I think, but it didn't feel like church. Although, maybe that's kind of silly, because where else do people sing in public these days? I think the Unity Temple provided the community aspect of church, but for me it didn't provide the worship aspect, which is really important in my world. It was beautiful, though, and moving, so I'd totally recommend it, if it sounds like your cup of tea.

Guidelines for Taking Up Modesty

My disciplines for this Lent are not modesty-related, but I've had several people approach me this year and last thinking about taking up some form of modesty for Lent. Although this is a little late for your Lenten practice, if you're considering taking up modesty next year or for another reason/season, maybe this will help.

So here we go: basic instructions for taking up modest dressing.
1) Do your research! And start with your own tradition. I know that sounds hypocritical coming from someone who chose to go outside their tradition, but I looked at mine first! It's just about getting to know your options. Many denominations of Christianity have rich traditions of Plain dress, like the Mennonites or the Quakers, and many other Christians have adopted these traditions. Many others have traditions of modesty, such as the Latter Day Saints (Mormons) or the Pentecostal Church and Christians from all walks of life consider head covering. For Muslims, obviously hijab is the main form of modesty, but hijab can mean many things to many people. Jews have tzniut, but that too can vary in what people consider to be modest and so you should check out all your options.
I also encourage (women as well as men) to look at the requirements for male modesty in religion. My Woman once said that the only modesty requirements she ever felt a real connection to were those for Muslim men-- covering naval to knees. For me, I find that I'm compelled to cover my head, but I identify more with why Jewish men cover their heads than why Christian, Muslim or Jewish women cover their heads. In the interest of equal devotion to God, many Reconstructionist or Reform Jewish women will cover their heads with kippahs like the men do.

2) If you are adopting someone else's tradition, be mindful of how you present yourself both to followers of that tradition and outsiders. For instance: is it a good idea to wear a hijab and a mini-skirt when you go out drinking? I don't have the answer there. I can tell you, though, that if the answer is yes, you're going to be explaining yourself to a lot of people.

3) Go shopping! I have to admit, I like this part. :) But it doesn't have to be expensive! If you're going tzniut, check out koshercasual.com, if you're going hijabi, check out alhannah.com. For anything, check out Etsy! And don't forget to check out your local Good Will or second-hand clothes store. But not Salvation Army, please.

4) Do not throw away your old clothes! Unless you have been debating this move for years and years and years, please do not throw away your old clothes. I have a couple of reasons for this. For starters, you never know when you might be able to incorporate your pre-modesty-modest clothes into your new modest get-up. Check out this hijabi mini-skirt idea. Secondly, at least for me, that throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bathwater attitude tends to mean that what I'm getting into is not actually a calling, but a fad. (Tarot cards in your teenage years, anyone?) In that regard, I think keeping your old clothes around gives you a way to ease back into your old life if it is a fad with as little drama as possible. Again, I'm not saying any one practice is always a fad, just that bandwagon-jumping is not modest and if you are looking to practice modesty, one should do as little bandwagon-jumping as possible.

Those are my thoughts for anyone considering a modest dressing path. Questions? Suggestions? I'd love to hear them!

My Religious Bucket List in Chicago, Part 3: St. Mary of the Angels Catholic Church

I label what my Woman and I have been doing lately as "church shopping," but it really isn't. I think of church shopping as that sometimes frantic search for a spiritual home. It's stressful. When we do it, even before I step into a church, I'm judging it-- it's too far away, I don't like their politics, the architecture is ugly. Whatever. I'll own that I've done that. And that's not to say that sometimes those things aren't valid. But it's stressful. At least part of me really wants every church to be the one where my soul belongs, so my needy self is arguing with my judge-y self and it's hard to just settle down and breathe.

This, however, is not church shopping for us. It's a pilgrimage-- a journey to sacred spaces. That's how my Woman and I ended up at St. Mary of the Angels Roman Catholic Church in Bucktown. We didn't need to agree with their politics or even truly feel welcomed for it to be sacred to us. It was such a release. Usually, when I'm in a Catholic church, I can't relax-- I'm worried about being "outed" as gay or Episcopalian or I'm too busy fussing about their politics. But for Christmas Eve midnight Mass in St. Mary's, I just relaxed. It was wonderful.

The church was beautiful, the Mass was actually at midnight, the music was wonderful and the people-watching was great too. We sang several great Christmas hymns, including one in Spanish that was apparently a classic and I loved. It wasn't a super high Mass or anything, but it was quite traditional and in that elegant, historic building, it was easy to envision being a part of "the Communion of Saints," as we say in the Apostles' Creed. A girl could get used to that.

My Religious Bucket List in Chicago, Part 4: Mormon Lake Shore 2nd Ward

On the note of visiting places of worship where we don't necessarily agree with their politics, my Woman and I decided to visit a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints) church. Neither of us had ever been to one before and, while both of us disagree with some official Mormon policies and theologies, we wanted to try something new in the interest of ecumenical understanding.

Since Mormonism has a moderately strong sense of modesty, once we decided to go, I immediately started fussing about what to wear. (I know, I should have probably been prayerfully preparing my heart for the pilgrimage, but there you have it.) The little FAQ on mormon.org had this to say about clothing: "You’re welcome to wear any modest clothes that you feel comfortable in. But just so you know, most men wear suits, sport coats and shirts and ties, and women wear dresses or skirts. Children also typically dress up." Now, most of the clothes I'd wear to church on Sunday probably meet Mormon standards for modesty, but I wasn't sure they'd meet them for dressiness, if that makes sense, so I started to fuss about wearing something dressy.

I ended up in a cute, strappy dress from H&M that went down to my knees with a t-shirt under it, a sweater over it and a gorgeous hat that my Woman got me for Christmas. What I didn't find out until later was that when I had it tailored, the tailor (who did an incredibly bad job), managed to make the dress, which had always been on the short side for me once I sat down, even shorter. Oh well. At least I was wearing thick tights, too, I guess. My Woman, too, found a nice dress and amended it to be modest by Mormon standards.

When we got there, we fidgeted in the car for a while before going in. I don't know why we were so nervous, because it's not like we haven't attended a bunch of different worship spaces, but we were. When we finally went in, we were greeted by a woman who assumed we were visiting from another Mormon congregation. (It felt a little bit like relief-- we'd passed! But then we had to explain that we were Episcopalian, because we weren't even sure what room to be in for the service!)

Once they knew we were strangers, people were super friendly. The lovely woman, who turned out to be the President's wife, explained to us the basics of the service and offered us seats next to her. We declined-- what if we were accidentally rude?-- and took seats near the back behind a family or families with 4 small children. That might have been the best part of the service for us! The children playing, reading religious magazines and eating crayons were absolutely adorable. We're suckers for kids smiling at us too, so we spent much of the time waving and making faces at the children-- which is what we do when we're in our own church!

Much of it was just what you'd see in a Protestant church, or similar anyway. We sang lots of hymns and someone preached. However, we sang all the hymns seated and the preachers were a young couple from the congregation. Now, I hate having to stay seated when I sing, but I loved that they had this young couple preach. We learned from the President that they rotate and different people speak every week, which I think is an awesome way to encourage community participation.

It totally threw us off our game though when it was time for Communion-- "the Sacrament." Now, I'd like to think I've seen my share of Communions. I once participated in a (Presbyterian) Communion led by a man who wasn't ordained, using a loaf of Hawaiian bread for the host. The Presbyterian church I grew up in commonly used tiny pieces of Wonder Bread and shot-glass-sized cups of grape juice. I've also been to churches where they would not place the Host in my hands, but had to put it directly in my mouth.Other experiences run the gamut of everything in between

Still, however, I wasn't prepared for the Mormon version of the sacrament. They used bread and water. My Woman and I were both floored. We'd never even heard of it before-- and I like to think I'm sort of up on religious differences. There were also rituals that I'm sure we screwed up-- like my Woman tried to hold the Communion tray by it's base and the guy who was the Mormon equivalent of a Lay Eucharistic Minister flinched trying to pull it away from her-- apparently we were only supposed to hold the handle. All in all, though, we survived and no one looked horribly offended. We spent the rest of the service listening to the sermon and trying to discreetly make faces at the children in front of us.

On our way out, the President greeted us-- he'd invited us to stay for their classes afterwards, but we couldn't stay. He handed us a notecard and explained that it was the contact info for a special Mormon singles church-- my Woman and I almost didn't make it out of that conversation without giggling. It was super, super sweet of him, but so misguided. Clearly, he thought, "Here are two single women (because we would have brought our man with us if we had one) who love kids and are moderately interested in the Mormon Church. Obviously, I've won the evangelism lottery-- I just send them to a singles' group, they meet nice Mormon boys and have Mormon babies." And honestly, who could blame him? I would never assume that two women showing up at a Mormon church were engaged to each other. So we've kept the card-- I don't know exactly why. Maybe partly as a reminder to be aware of misguided evangelism in our own lives, maybe partly as a reminder that they are nice people in spite of what their church did for Prop 8, or maybe as an outreach idea-- I totally would have gone to an Episcopalian singles group when I was single. Anyone want to start one?

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

For a quick link to someone else's blog post. Wonderfully interesting thoughts on Christian modesty over at http://sojo.net/blogs/2013/01/28/rethinking-modesty.

Peace!

My Religious Bucket List in Chicago, Part 2: First United Methodist Church at the Chicago Temple

Three days after our Longest Night service, my Woman and I found ourselves at the Chicago Temple for a Sunday service at First United Methodist Church. The building was smack downtown, right across from a Christmas market in Daley Plaza. My Woman had never been to a Methodist church before, but I felt right at home-- it reminded me of both my Presbyterian roots and my Episcopalian/Anglican future. Justly so-- Charles Wesley, as my former chaplain teased Methodists, lived and died an Anglican.

My Woman and I were pleased to note that we sang multiple Charles Wesley hymns. And, we joked, we think the pastor mentioned Charles Wesley more than God. (Just as well we Anglicans don't have a charismatic founder like that-- no one would dream of doing that with Henry VIII!)

Afterwards, we took a  tour of the church. We were primarily interested in seeing the Sky Chapel-- a chapel on the top floor of what was once the tallest building in all Chicago and what is still the highest place of worship in the city. It's definitely beautiful and worth a look!

One thing that moved me in particular was the frequently emphasized motif of comparing Chicago with the new Jerusalem. Two altars -- one on the ground floor and one in the sky chapel-- had carvings of Jesus looking out over Jerusalem and Chicago respectively. The stained glass windows featured not only your typical Christian images of events in the Bible and your (I presume) typical Methodist images of the Wesley brothers, but also an image of Chicago. The images gave me a glimpse into what pioneers and settlers must have thought as the wound their way out west-- that they were on a pilgrimage to the New Jerusalem-- and aren't we all?

My Religious Bucket List in Chicago, Part 1: Chicago Community Mennonite Church

I know this isn't modesty related, but I wanted to talk about the religious adventure --you might call it a pilgrimage-- I'm going on. So the story is this: my Woman and I have found ourselves at home in the city of Chicago, but finding a church-home has been more of a struggle. Perhaps it's just that following up St. Clare of Assisi and Canterbury House in Ann Arbor, Michigan is impossible. We've roamed from the church where I converted in high school (which has since changed quite a bit) to a lovely high church Anglo-Catholic parish full of gay men. There are many wonderful aspects to both, but I think my Woman and I are both feeling a little listless in our walk with God-- the "spark" in the relationship feels like it's gone, if you know what I mean. Neither of us had been to church in a month when we showed up at a Longest Night service at the Chicago Community Mennonite Church.

Now, I'm fairly certain the CCMC is the only Anabaptist church I've ever been to-- and it's certainly the only non-liturgical church I've been to-- but since this was my second time at their yearly Longest Night service, I knew I wasn't going to hate it. (That's an understatement-- the first time, my Woman and I were so caught up in the service that we went caroling with them to a nursing home afterwards.)

The building (which the share with the First Church of the Brethren) is beautiful and very Chicago-- a beautiful stained-glass window looking out on a highway in a quiet neighborhood once called "so dangerous you shouldn't even go there on google maps." The people we met there were very nice without being pushy. The liturgy was a little bit from column A, a little bit from column B, you might say. They hit some great Christmassy/Advent hymns that were appropriate without being so jarringly joyful like "It came upon a midnight clear." We sang a Taize hymn as a response to a prayer. At the end, they brought it home for me with a prayer from the Episcopalian Book of Common Prayer (maybe it's also elsewhere, but that's where I know it from) that goes like this:

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who
sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless
the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the
joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen.

After our success with the Mennonites -- as I've been calling them because the Mennonites impressed upon me how important community is on our faith walk-- my Woman and I set out to visit my religious bucket list in the city. We've been to 2 since and are heading to another one tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes!

Sexy Dolls Study and Religious Modesty

I suppose by now most of you have seen the article by C.R. Starr and G.M. Ferguson entitled "Sexy Dolls, Sexy Grade-Schoolers? Media and Maternal Influences on Young Girls' Self-Sexualization." The article has been covered a bunch, mostly with people expressing their shock and horror that 6-year-olds want to be sexy. I have to tell you, as someone who works with large groups of kids, I wasn't surprised at all.

The part you likely didn't hear much about was that they looked at mothers' religiosity as a protective factor (ie. would a child exposed to lots of sexualization in the media still want to be sexy at age 6 if her mother is more religious?). That, for me, was the most interesting part. Now, mind you, this was a majority Christian, majority White, midwestern U.S. sample, so Heaven only knows if you could actually generalize this to other people, but it's interesting nonetheless.

So here are the basics: girls were shown a sexily-dressed doll and a fashionably-dressed, but in more modest clothes. (You can check out that image here.) They were asked to choose which doll 1) looked most like them, 2) looked most like they wanted to look like, 3) looked most like the "popular girl" and 4) they'd want to play with the most.

Mothers were asked about a bunch of things, including how often they monitor their kids' TV use, how they feel about their bodies/appearances and their religiosity. The religiosity questions included: "How important is religion to your daily life?" and "How important do you think it is to teach your children your religious values?" This, in and of itself, is pretty cool. Most studies measuring religiosity just ask how often you attend religious services. That can be useful, but there's a huge difference between someone who goes to church once a week and doesn't think about it at all during the rest of the week versus someone who may not even go to weekly religious services, but who thinks about their religion all the time during the week.

The verdict was this: many of those thing that we all expect make children want to be "sexy" did, but only a little. Media influence? Yup. Mothers' opinions of their bodies? Sure. Of course, if you monitor your child's TV/internet/magazine use, that goes down a little. But what about religion?

Well, if a child watched a lot of TV and had a very religious mother, she was still likely to choose the more modest-dressing doll as who she wanted to look like most. And if a child's mother taught her about religion more, she was less likely to choose the "sexy" doll as popular. And the more religious the mother, the more likely a girl was to choose to play with the modestly-dressed doll.

Here's the kicker though: if a child watched very little TV and had a religious mother, she was more likely to say she wanted to look like the sexy doll.

Moral of the story, maybe? Being sequestered from the media only makes "sexiness" this forbidden fruit that everyone else has. But when you see "sexy" things on TV, but your nearest and dearest same-sex role model (because, let's be honest, for most 6-year-olds, that's mommy) is offering a modest alternative, that's the one you're more likely to pick.

This is good-- religiosity is just like every other part of your life; it can be used for good or evil. So choose wisely, my friends.

Reference:
Starr, C., & Ferguson, G. (2012). Sexy dolls, sexy grade-schoolers? media and maternal influences on young girls' self-sexualization. Sex Roles, doi: 10.1007/s11199-012-0183-x

A Wedding Dress Guide for the Modest Bride

I know I've abandoned this blog lately, but there's definitely a dearth of info for modest brides on the web, so I feel like this needs to be said.

I have finally wrapped up my wedding dress shopping, so I thought I'd include a post for anyone out there looking for modest wedding gowns. Be forewarned: it's ridiculous.

So let's start off with this: if you live in a community where your modesty standards are, if not the norm, pretty common, you can probably disregard this entire post. Mormons living in Utah? That's you. Tzniut women in Brooklyn? You too. The only exception is if you walk into your local modest wedding dress shops and find that they all sell the same kind of dress and you don't like it. (I feel like this a lot in tzniut stores, to be honest-- too much my-wedding-cake-ate-my-dress, not enough Grace Kelly.) Then, you should probably stick around.

First thing first, you could try your local modest retailers. Don't limit yourself to just your particular modesty standards. If you're tzniut, you won't look out of place in a hijabi wedding gown (minus the actual headpiece). By the same token, if you're tzniut and you try on a Temple-ready Mormon gown, it will be a lot easier to modify it to tzniut standards. In Chicago, I've found that there aren't a lot of modest wedding dress retailers. I actually ended up driving down to St. Louis to the wonderful Chatfield's to find a modest wedding gown store. (The dresses were beautiful and the service was absolutely wonderful, but they were ultimately not what I was looking for.)

If you find your perfect dress at a modest wedding store, yay!-- you're done. For the rest of us, we move on to the generic wedding retailer. Let me just get started by saying this is a total trip. Wedding dress shops are a totally different world where all the rules you learned about life in modern society go out the window. And not necessarily in a good way.

Now, as a rule, I would stick to small retailers, and here's why. Wedding gown stores are frequently packed to the brim with people. (When it's a small store, it could just be you and your small entourage-- when it's a big store it could be 20 other people and every member of their respective bridal parties.) And most of the assistants at wedding gown stores have lost every sense of modesty they ever had. It's just the nature of the business, I think. The last thing you want (and I speak from experience) is your bridal assistant throwing open the door of your dressing room to show your mother a dress you were wearing when you're as naked as the day you were born (or only slightly less so) and then refusing to close it while you get back in the dress-- while dozens of other brides and their families walk by.

So here's my fabulous guide to not having that happen to you.

• First, pick a small store that carries a designer who makes modest gowns or gowns that can be made modest. (Note: just because a store carries a designer doesn't mean they carry all their gowns, so if you have one you really want to see, ask about it on the phone before you make your appointment.)
• When you're making an appointment, mention your modesty requirements if you feel comfortable doing that. (Note: if you do this and they jump down your throat, you can cancel the appointment or you can say, "I know maybe none of your gowns meet this requirement right away, but I'd love to look at some gowns that would be easy to alter to fit my specifications." That usually calms people down.) Now would also be a good time to ask questions like how many brides have appointments at the store at once. A lot of smaller places only see one or two brides at a time and that makes it so much easier to be modest.
• Before you go to your appointment, get the right clothes. If you're Mormon, absolutely wear your garments-- since you have to cover them anyway, this covers everything you need the gown to cover and it gives you an extra layer of modesty while they're ripping gowns on and off of you faster than you can blink. If you're tzniut or hijabi and you don't have handy underwear that covers everything you expect the dress to cover, you have a couple of options. One, you could find said underwear. Two, you could do some combo of slip and t-shirt. This way, instead of being buck naked under the gown, you have another layer. I ended up borrowing a slip from my mother. The skirt was long enough that I felt reasonably covered and the neckline was as deep as I'd ever want my wedding dress neckline to be. Do remember that this ensemble shouldn't be too bulky.
• Once you get to the appointment, wearing whatever undergarments you've decided on, remind them of your requirements again. They may direct you to any modest gowns they already have. If they don't have any, they will likely ask you to pick out some samples of gowns you think would work. Go to town. Don't be afraid to ask if they think their seamstress could modify it and HOW. I can't stress that enough. If no one in the store can at least give you a vague idea of how to modify it, you don't want to even try.
• As you head to your dressing room, see if you feel comfortable with the arrangement. Often in small stores, you'll get a whole real room to yourself. You can always ask for something more private, but they won't always be able to accommodate.
• Once you get in the dressing room, you undress and the sales assistant helps you put the dress on. Some places will let other people help you with this (your mom or whomever you brought with you) but most won't. Before you tell me you don't need help getting dressed, let me tell you you're wrong. Everyone needs help getting a wedding dress on. Why? Because stores only carry samples in one (or maybe two, if you're very lucky) size-- it's usually what's called a "bridal 10" which fits a lot like a regular American 6 or 8 depending on the designer. If you don't wear a 6 or an 8 regularly, there will be a lot of tugging and pulling and clipping to make it look like it's supposed to look-- or even to get it to stay on. I've had the occasional gown fit perfectly, but most of the time I need anywhere from two to ten clips to keep it on.

I went through a whirlwind of stores and I have a couple quick recommendations near Chicago. First, House of Brides in Aurora, Illinois  has a decent selection of Mormon gowns and a vague appreciation for modesty. I've also heard wonderful things about Jasmine Galleria in Lombard, which does a kind of create-your-own-dress where you select a basic, strapless style and can add sleeves and necklines of your choice. (Check out their Temple Ready selection.) Ultimately, though, I didn't go with gowns from any of these places.

So... what to do when you've gone through all my above steps at a zillion stores and still can't find the gown? Or, alternatively, you don't have the budget for any of that? (Be aware though, Chatfield's is very reasonably as wedding gowns go-- more so even than David's Bridal or the like.) Well, then, on to the next battle.

• Check out antique stores and second-hand clothing stores. Vintage gowns are much more likely to be modest than modern gowns. They're also often much more reasonable.
• Now vintage stores may pose an additional problem-- where do you try on your dress? Most stores I've been to don't have a dedicated dressing room. All I can say for this is: wear something made of thin material that you might be able to slide under a dress, if at all possible.
• Also be aware of your vintage size. Your vintage size is often several sizes bigger than your current size. For example, I'm something like an 8 or 10 American. When I'm looking for vintage dresses, I look at dresses ranging anywhere from size 12 to size 16.
• Also remember that bigger is always better: if you find the perfect dress, but it's 2 sizes too big, buy it! Taking a dress in is easier and cheaper than letting one out. It also might give you extra material if you need to add to the neckline or sleeves.
• That brings me to an important point! If you're shopping for a modest wedding dress at vintage stores, those dresses will probably be harder to modify, because you won't be able to contact the designer to get more of the exact fabric. If you have a creative tailor, though, there are often fun ways around this. Just be aware when you go in.
• Also look online. While going online always carries a huge risk of not seeing what you're ordering beforehand, it also has some great options.
• You could order a custom gown from one of the wonderful sellers on Etsy.
• You could order from a department store or wedding boutique. (I ended up getting a Tadishi Shoji dress with long lace sleeves from Nordstrom.)
• You could also order from one of those cheap copycat retailers based in places like China. No word on whether this actually works out for people, though...

So that's how I did it, at least. And in the end, I ended up with a gorgeous gown that will only need to be tailored a little to meet my modesty standards. Good luck to you and happy shopping! Let me know if you have any suggestions to add!

Light on a Hilltop VS. Hypocrite on the Street Corner

Welcome to Lent, everyone!

Regardless of your religious affiliation, you probably noticed a few people walking around yesterday with ash crosses on their foreheads. Depending on where you are, you might even have noticed priests on street corners handing out ashes.

There's a lot of fuss out there about what to do with the ashes. Do you rub them off afterwords or do you walk around advertising your religion all day? It's actually part of a much more contentious debate in Christianity as a whole, at least in the parts of Christianity I've had a glimpse of. The great debate is: Light on the Hilltop (Matt. 5:14) vs. Hypocrite on the Street Corner (Matt. 6:5). These are both descriptions Jesus has used to describe believers who act out their faith publicly. Since this is something I do on a regular basis with covering my hair, it's something that I'm always wrestling with.

The clincher of the Light on the Hilltop story (it's actually a light in a city on a hill) is this: "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven" (KJV Matt. 5:16). "Your light," I believe, is your faith from God so if you are both letting your light shine and doing what God says you're supposed to be doing, it brings other people to worship God. That's important. You're not supposed to be just showing off.

That's where the whole Hypocrites on the Street Corner thing comes in. Jesus specifically mentions that these people get rewarded for their devotion-- this is where the well-known verse about storing your treasures in Heaven comes in. If you're getting praised just for practicing your faith, well, obviously that's not the goal. I feel like it's pretty easy to tell these people from the ones above (although it's maybe much harder to identify the difference in ourselves). The hypocrites just seem slimy and unctuous and they're more likely to put you off the faith than turn you on to it.

Now, if you're concerned you might be a hypocrite, I suppose you could say that it's better just to keep quiet about your faith to be safe, but I have a problem with that. Here's my problem: Look around at the people who are public about their faith. Often, it's the people blowing things up or driving teenagers to suicide. When we normal people don't go public about our faith, it's these hypocrites who end up being the spokespeople for religion. No wonder people are leaving religion in droves! That's why I try to go public about my faith-- the world needs to know that not all of us our hypocrites. Hopefully, I can help with that.

Anyone else have reasons why the decided to be publicly faithful? Or not?

How to Get Young People to Come to Church

Since our move to Chicago, my Woman and I seem to spend a lot of time church-shopping-- you know, finding the church that's right for us. In the meantime, we've seen how blessed we were before with two wonderful churches --thank God for St. Clare's and Canterbury House-- and how hard it is as "young people" to find a Home in the church. So, although this is rather off topic, I have a list of things I'd like to say to every church I've been to that's trying to recruit "young people."

How about you? Does this list match up to what you wish you could say to your churches or synagogues or mosques? What would you change?

So, here we go: Allie's 10 Sure-Fire Ways to Recruit "Young People" to Church

1. We get enough advertising campaigns from Apple and Ikea. Skip the marketing and be real!
2. We like pop. (Some of us.) We also like hip-hop, rock, jazz, techno, country, 18th Century Charles Wesley hymns, and genres you’ve never even heard of.
3. Talk to us if we show up to church.
4. If we’re not showing up to church, don’t give us flak about it! Our reasons for going or not going to church are just as complex as anyone else’s.
5. Try not to beg for money too hard. When you need to beg for money (because don’t we all in this economy!), refer to #1. It’s not about give-the-church-money-or-you’ll-rot-in-Hell; I’m pretty sure God would be just as content with my donation to Unicef. A church is a business just like everything else. You need money to keep the lights on and pay the priest and buy materials for the Sunday School classrooms. Tell us that.
   
6. We, like everyone else, need to participate. This doesn’t mean we need our own special group, although that’s sometimes nice. Welcome us into your choir, let us teach Sunday School, or invite us to Bible studies.
7. If you have a group for us, please stop trying to be cool unless you’re already that cool to begin with. Why? For starters, not all of us are cool, so we don’t need a church that has all the same cliques as the rest of our lives. And lets face it, we can tell when you’re faking it, so please refer to #1.
8. Don’t make us choose between our faith and our friends of other faiths. If you do, odds are good we’ll pick our friends-- not because we don’t believe, but because we don’t want a church we can’t bring our friends to.
9. Don’t be stupid about science or social issues-- if you have to be stupid about them, be stupid quietly. Lots of us stay away from church because all we ever hear about church is how church-goers “don’t believe” in evolution or gay people. If church focused more on worshiping together than pushing beliefs on people, it’d appeal more to us.
10. On that note, don’t force us to believe things and be open to doubt. Everyone doubts-- think Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane or Thomas after the Resurrection. If we have to have all our doubts cleared up before we walk in the door, you'd never see us! (You probably wouldn't see half your older parishioners for that matter, either!)
    

Navigating Public Transportation in the City

I have lots of things I could post about and I probably should, but for the moment, here is a thought for you. Just FYI, I'm on Chicago public transportation at least twice a day and usually more than that, so I speak from experience.

If you are just a little tired of spooning with strangers on your morning commute, wear a hijab-looking headscarf. No Seriously. All other things being equal, when I'm wearing something that looks like a hijab, I am the last person anyone sits next to on the train. Except maybe the other girl in a hijab.

If, however, you are feeling chatty and want perfect strangers to strike up a conversation with you about intimate details of their life (which, by the way, never happens in the city-- people look at you funny if you say a cheerful 'hello'), then wear a bonnet. (Mine is a lovely kapp by Sowers of Hope, like the one in the picture.) Seriously, I could be wearing the same clothes otherwise, and this would happen. What does it say about the world that what I use to cover my head changes people's opinions of me so drastically?

A Modest Wedding, Part 2

I've been engaged for a little over a month now and it's getting harder and harder to manage a modest wedding. I'm not just talking the clothes, either. The average wedding in the US cost more than $26,000 this year! Now, my Woman isn't necessarily modest in dress (that's not to say she doesn't wear modest clothing sometimes, but that she is not intentionally modest on a daily basis). However, I think it's safe to say we try to be modest about our life in general-- you know, it's not about us being flashy; it's about God. Well, we try, anyway.

But the whole wedding scene is decidedly not modest, particularly in that respect. Every time I open a bridal magazine (and, I'll admit, I open a lot of them), they're telling me, "This is your big day" or, "This is all about you."

I've got news for the wedding industry. This isn't "all about me." It's about me, my Woman and God (not in that order). It's also about our families (as my mother so often reminds me), our friends and our communities. And whether we want it to be or not, it's also about politics. Because, for whatever reason, two women walking down the aisle and saying "I do" is a political statement.

Anyway, it's about all of those things, but mostly it's about love. And I think the hardest part about planning a wedding is taking a step back and thinking: "Okay, this isn't my day to look like a princess. This is the day I declare to God and everyone else that I'm spending my life with this woman."

A Modest Wedding?

Eee! So excited! So I proposed to my Woman and she accepted. The wedding won't take place for at least a year and a half yet, so we have time, but I'm already looking around for a modest wedding dress-- and that's hard!

Everything is strapless-this and spaghetti-straps-that. Ugh. And don't get me wrong-- I know I'm being high maintenance: I'm not just looking for any modest wedding dress-- I want THE ONE. I know-- the makings of a bridezilla. :) Anyway... let me list my requirements... and feel free to send suggestions.

Modesty requirements:

• Sleeves. As an example: I went to church today in a dress that had 2-inch thick straps. I'd brought a scarf to put over my shoulders, but it was so hot, I didn't wear it at all at first. Then, as we're getting up to go to Communion, I realize I won't feel right without my shawl. I threw it on and was fine, but it does mean I want my shoulders covered at least.
• Floor length. I'm with the Mormons on this one: modesty is relative, but most gowns are floor-length, so I want one that is at least floor length.
• Headcovering. Obviously, in the form of a veil.

Bridezilla requirements:

• Lace! I love lace and, like any good six-year-old, I think my dress should have as much of it as possible! Long lace sleeves, in particular, would be lovely.
• White-- my Woman wants a white dress and to have one bride walk down the aisle in white and the other walk down in a "Champagne" gown would just be awkward.

Practical requirements:

• Does not cost an arm, a leg and my first-born child. I'm not looking to hemorrhage money any more than necessary.
• Can be bought nearby so I don't have to do that crazy shipping back and forth thing.

Now that doesn't seem too difficult. Except it is.

What have I found? Well, surprisingly, the Mormons and I get along rather well on this front too.

www.beautifullymodest.com (shown above) has some wonderful things, but nothing local.

David's Bridal actually has something wonderful... and maybe I should just go for it. I just want to say, though, that I was into modest wedding dresses before the Duchess of Cambridge made it cool! Check out David's Bridal's copy of Kate's fabulous dress.

Oh! The lace sleeves! The gown is a little intense for me, but maybe I can't be too picky...

These are my thoughts so far, but I'm also only 1 day into being an engaged woman, so I'm sure I'll have more opinions soon. Thoughts, anybody? Suggestions?

I Love the Big City!

The other day I was early to the train station and decided to do a little people watching. In the process, I saw two groups of hijabis, a tzniut woman in a snood and a Plain Amish family.

You can say a lot of negative things about the city. My least favorite at the moment is the fact that I'm supposed to be excited about my apartment's "manicured green space." However, one of the things I love about living here is that you see all kinds of people-- particularly, for me, I like seeing all the women that cover.

Now, I only ever see Amish women at the train station downtown-- I don't know why. What do Amish people do in the city?

I see tzniut women in my neighborhood and on my local train, because I live in a neighborhood that is very gay and also very Jewish. (Have you noticed that there are many neighborhoods like that? I stayed in one in Paris too... Why is that?)

I see hijabi women everywhere --it really isn't an uncommon sight in the city-- and I see niqabi women at work, because I work in a hospital.

There are a bunch of other groups of women who cover for more cultural reasons (I think) as well. Black women cover a lot more than white women, as far as I can tell. This was certainly true when I lived in Senegal, but I guess I didn't realize that black women in the States did it as well. One of my coworkers mentioned that she saw a lot of women wearing head coverings similar to my favorite kind (for work, anyway) at the Greek cultural festival.

My Woman has commented about this too. She says that while I used to be one of the few people she knew who covered --and so she thought I was rather weird for doing it-- now she sees women who cover all the time and it makes her think of me! :)

Immodesty for Social Justice?

Okay, so first things first, read this: Israeli and Palestinian Women Take a Rare Swim.

Since I can safely say that y'all probably didn't read it (I know, we all lead busy lives), here's the gist: in an act of civil disobedience, several Israeli women took several Palestinian women to the beach. Which is illegal. Palestinians are not allowed out of the West Bank/Palestine/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. (Have you noticed that what you call that location is making a political statement?) Anyway, here's the part that interests me most. In order to participate, the Palestinian women dressed like Israeli women, which meant wearing significantly less clothing than what they believe is right.

So here's my question. For those of you who do wear clothes that you believe are important (or necessary) religiously or morally, would you participate in something like this, for a cause you believed was right, if it meant shedding the clothes that you believe are right?

Religious Justifications for Immodesty

So I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about my religious justifications for modesty, but truthfully, I believe that God really just wants us to be humble and not worry about what we wear. (Check out the specs on that here.) Modesty makes sense for me, but it may not make sense for everyone.

Since I feel this way, and since I know many religious people who don't believe in religiously-motivated modesty or believe in what I'll call religiously-motivated immodesty (ie. that God is okay or promotes us wearing things that aren't modest), I feel like I should write about it!

Perhaps one of the biggest argument for religious immodesty is that God, in all God's wisdom, created us naked. Genesis 2:25 "Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." The nakedness isn't the sin of Adam and Eve. Neither, mind you, are the clothes, but the clothes are emblematic of the sin: eating from the tree God told them not to eat from was the sin, which resulted in them being ashamed of their nakedness, so they made clothes for themselves.

Let's think about that for a second: our first sin as humans as symbolized by clothes-- God knows we sinned because we came out of it clothed. Forever after that, every (or nearly every) human over the age of, say, 2 wears clothes.

Let's pull back and personify God for a second. (I think that's appropriate because much of Genesis personifies God.) A friend of mine describes Genesis as a love story. And I so agree. God has angels. Why would God create humans? Answer: humans have free will and God wants to love a creature that chooses to love Her. Being loved and praised by creatures that are unable to do anything besides love and praise you isn't nearly as fulfilling as being loved and praised by a creature you gave the free will to turn away from you.

So God orchestrates this beautiful love story, creates humans and gives us stewardship of the whole earth and what do we do? We turn away. The marker of this change in the relationship is that humans now wear clothes. For millennia afterwords, humans continue to wear clothes. Rubbing salt in the wound much? Now, God is infinitely loving, so She has forgiven us this, but it still looks like we're just trying to piss God off, doesn't it? That right there is a fabulous argument not to wear any clothes at all. Of course, generally speaking this is an impractical argument, because most places in the world won't let you be naked.

Now let's talk about Jesus's feelings about clothes.

Jesus denounces even the most splendid of clothes as not as beautiful as what God has created. ("Consider the lilies, how they grow : they neither toil nor spin ; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these" Luke 12:27.)

Jesus continues, "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!" (Luke 12:28) What I get from this is that we need to relax and not worry about what we wear. What one might get from this is that the "clothes" God has provided for us (our skin, our hair, etc.) are enough and we don't need other adornments.


So there you go. Two basic arguments for religious immodesty.
1) Since clothes are a symbol of our first sin against God, the wearing of them and --worse!-- the fussing over them is a continual reminder to God of our sin.
2) Jesus even told us that what God gave us to cover us should be enough for us, at least in the way of beauty. We could not find any kind of clothes in the world that would make us more beautiful than the way God made us.
Actually, in fairness, these are probably better arguments for religiously motivated nudism, rather than immodesty, but it's what I've got.


Anyone else have thoughts on this to share?

Things I've Learned from Working in a Hospital

1. Not everyone wearing a white coat is a doctor. In fact, if she looks like a 22-year-old who just graduated with a BA in psychology, she probably is. But be nice to her, just to be on the safe side-- she could be your internist!

2. A lab coat makes a fabulous modest addition to any hospital worker's wardrobe. Or any wardrobe. Seriously. Suppose you find yourself in the following situation: you woke up late (on purpose) because you refuse to wake up before 6:00 am, even though you need to be at work at 7:30 am and your work is technically an hour and a half away from home. You throw on some clothes in the semi-darkness, which you picked out the night before, also in the semi-darkness, and rush out the door to work. Then suppose you have an awkward interaction with a subject in which your pretty sure he's not looking at your face, even though you're wearing a shirt that is only an inch below you collar bones, so you go to the bathroom to check out your outfit and discover that your shirt is actually see-through. In this totally hypothetical situation, what do you do? Grab a lab coat. Spilled marinara sauce all over your sweater? Lab coat. Cold in your office because they expect it to be warm in Chicago in the summer? Lab coat.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to answer the people who stop me in the hall to ask for directions to radiology. I always want to respond, "Why don't you ask a grown-up?" Oops... that might be me!

Modest Swimsuit Update

So that immodesty article will show up in a minute (read: a few days), but since my swimsuit post continues to get the most hits, I thought I'd update you all on my swimsuit search for the summer.

I got this top, but in black from shop.delias.com.

I initially planned to wear some kind of tankini and board shorts. I'm not interested in keeping tzniut, but I am interested in something more modest than your average tankini for my legs. And I don't buy those little skirts they sell either-- they may be a little more modest out of the water, but the moment you get in the water, it flies up and you might as well not be wearing it. That's not to say I disapprove of women who wear it-- if that extra coverage out of the water is all you need, go for it! It's just not for me.

I did end up with a really cute black checkered tankini from Delia's. (If you're not from the U.S., I think Delia's is generally thought of as a pre-teen girl store, but it had the cutest range of tankinis by far.) Again, I realize it's nowhere near tzniut, but I'm with the Mormons on this one: modesty is relative. Just perhaps not as relative as most Americans think it is...

Anyway, so the tankini went well.

The board shorts are another story. I looked all over. I wanted black or white (to go with the top) board shorts that hit just above my knees (or lower!) that were designed for women. Now, I know many a woman who will wear men's swim trunks, but I have 2 complaints with them. 1) I just don't think they look good on me. At all. Vain, I know, but hey-- a girl's got to have standards. 2) I resent having to buy men's clothing in order to cover my thighs and go in the water. That's just absurd!

I searched all over. Even Coolibar didn't have what I was looking for! (To be fair, Coolibar does have nearly knee-length swim shorts and even swim capris which go well beyond the knee, but they are skin tight-- not what I wanted.) I tried Lands End's longest swim shorts (an 11-inch inseam). Now, maybe this would have been enough if I weren't abnormally long-legged, but they were just the awkwardest length! It didn't look right at all and they didn't hit where I wanted them to anyway. So I returned them.

My sport skirt from Kosher Casual.

What I have settled on for now (although I will take suggestions) is my absolutely wonderful sports skirt with built-in leggings from Kosher Casual. Now, I asked, and this version is not chlorine resistant, but I'm mostly planning to swim in Lake Michigan and that may have a lot of things in it, but I'm pretty sure chlorine isn't one of them. They will start making the chlorine resistant version in a few weeks, though, which is good news! That's one thing I like about Kosher Casual: they are very willing to take suggestions where possible. Also, the clothes are just freaking gorgeous, even for those who aren't tzniut.

So that's my plan for the moment. I also need to buy a swim cap, because I'm covering my head out of the house, but swim caps are easy.

SlutWalk Chicago was Today!

I went to SlutWalk Chicago today and it was wonderful. It's always inspiring to see how many people turn out for that kind of thing! It was a little bizarre how many people were taking pictures of us (my Woman and I), especially without our consent! :O But we did consent when people asked...

Anyway, check me out,y'all!

 I learned how to turn one of my scarves into a niqab, thanks to The Non-Muslim Hijabi's Youtube video, which was super helpful, and using beautiful pins from The Modest Woman on Etsy.

If you can't read the sign, it says: "Don't teach women how to dress; teach men how not to rape." And yes, I did actually use a semi-colon in my protest sign.

Also, my woman came to SlutWalk, just wearing what she would normally wear.

Her sign says: "Nobody deserves to be sexually assaulted." On the back, it said, "To prevent sexual assault, stop victim blaming."

That's all for today-- it's a billion degrees here and balancing my laptop on my lap any longer just isn't an option. Tune in sometime later this week for a post about the religious justifications for immodesty.