Guidelines for Taking Up Modesty

My disciplines for this Lent are not modesty-related, but I've had several people approach me this year and last thinking about taking up some form of modesty for Lent. Although this is a little late for your Lenten practice, if you're considering taking up modesty next year or for another reason/season, maybe this will help.

So here we go: basic instructions for taking up modest dressing.
1) Do your research! And start with your own tradition. I know that sounds hypocritical coming from someone who chose to go outside their tradition, but I looked at mine first! It's just about getting to know your options. Many denominations of Christianity have rich traditions of Plain dress, like the Mennonites or the Quakers, and many other Christians have adopted these traditions. Many others have traditions of modesty, such as the Latter Day Saints (Mormons) or the Pentecostal Church and Christians from all walks of life consider head covering. For Muslims, obviously hijab is the main form of modesty, but hijab can mean many things to many people. Jews have tzniut, but that too can vary in what people consider to be modest and so you should check out all your options.
I also encourage (women as well as men) to look at the requirements for male modesty in religion. My Woman once said that the only modesty requirements she ever felt a real connection to were those for Muslim men-- covering naval to knees. For me, I find that I'm compelled to cover my head, but I identify more with why Jewish men cover their heads than why Christian, Muslim or Jewish women cover their heads. In the interest of equal devotion to God, many Reconstructionist or Reform Jewish women will cover their heads with kippahs like the men do.

2) If you are adopting someone else's tradition, be mindful of how you present yourself both to followers of that tradition and outsiders. For instance: is it a good idea to wear a hijab and a mini-skirt when you go out drinking? I don't have the answer there. I can tell you, though, that if the answer is yes, you're going to be explaining yourself to a lot of people.

3) Go shopping! I have to admit, I like this part. :) But it doesn't have to be expensive! If you're going tzniut, check out koshercasual.com, if you're going hijabi, check out alhannah.com. For anything, check out Etsy! And don't forget to check out your local Good Will or second-hand clothes store. But not Salvation Army, please.

4) Do not throw away your old clothes! Unless you have been debating this move for years and years and years, please do not throw away your old clothes. I have a couple of reasons for this. For starters, you never know when you might be able to incorporate your pre-modesty-modest clothes into your new modest get-up. Check out this hijabi mini-skirt idea. Secondly, at least for me, that throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bathwater attitude tends to mean that what I'm getting into is not actually a calling, but a fad. (Tarot cards in your teenage years, anyone?) In that regard, I think keeping your old clothes around gives you a way to ease back into your old life if it is a fad with as little drama as possible. Again, I'm not saying any one practice is always a fad, just that bandwagon-jumping is not modest and if you are looking to practice modesty, one should do as little bandwagon-jumping as possible.

Those are my thoughts for anyone considering a modest dressing path. Questions? Suggestions? I'd love to hear them!

My Religious Bucket List in Chicago, Part 4: Mormon Lake Shore 2nd Ward

On the note of visiting places of worship where we don't necessarily agree with their politics, my Woman and I decided to visit a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints) church. Neither of us had ever been to one before and, while both of us disagree with some official Mormon policies and theologies, we wanted to try something new in the interest of ecumenical understanding.

Since Mormonism has a moderately strong sense of modesty, once we decided to go, I immediately started fussing about what to wear. (I know, I should have probably been prayerfully preparing my heart for the pilgrimage, but there you have it.) The little FAQ on mormon.org had this to say about clothing: "You’re welcome to wear any modest clothes that you feel comfortable in. But just so you know, most men wear suits, sport coats and shirts and ties, and women wear dresses or skirts. Children also typically dress up." Now, most of the clothes I'd wear to church on Sunday probably meet Mormon standards for modesty, but I wasn't sure they'd meet them for dressiness, if that makes sense, so I started to fuss about wearing something dressy.

I ended up in a cute, strappy dress from H&M that went down to my knees with a t-shirt under it, a sweater over it and a gorgeous hat that my Woman got me for Christmas. What I didn't find out until later was that when I had it tailored, the tailor (who did an incredibly bad job), managed to make the dress, which had always been on the short side for me once I sat down, even shorter. Oh well. At least I was wearing thick tights, too, I guess. My Woman, too, found a nice dress and amended it to be modest by Mormon standards.

When we got there, we fidgeted in the car for a while before going in. I don't know why we were so nervous, because it's not like we haven't attended a bunch of different worship spaces, but we were. When we finally went in, we were greeted by a woman who assumed we were visiting from another Mormon congregation. (It felt a little bit like relief-- we'd passed! But then we had to explain that we were Episcopalian, because we weren't even sure what room to be in for the service!)

Once they knew we were strangers, people were super friendly. The lovely woman, who turned out to be the President's wife, explained to us the basics of the service and offered us seats next to her. We declined-- what if we were accidentally rude?-- and took seats near the back behind a family or families with 4 small children. That might have been the best part of the service for us! The children playing, reading religious magazines and eating crayons were absolutely adorable. We're suckers for kids smiling at us too, so we spent much of the time waving and making faces at the children-- which is what we do when we're in our own church!

Much of it was just what you'd see in a Protestant church, or similar anyway. We sang lots of hymns and someone preached. However, we sang all the hymns seated and the preachers were a young couple from the congregation. Now, I hate having to stay seated when I sing, but I loved that they had this young couple preach. We learned from the President that they rotate and different people speak every week, which I think is an awesome way to encourage community participation.

It totally threw us off our game though when it was time for Communion-- "the Sacrament." Now, I'd like to think I've seen my share of Communions. I once participated in a (Presbyterian) Communion led by a man who wasn't ordained, using a loaf of Hawaiian bread for the host. The Presbyterian church I grew up in commonly used tiny pieces of Wonder Bread and shot-glass-sized cups of grape juice. I've also been to churches where they would not place the Host in my hands, but had to put it directly in my mouth.Other experiences run the gamut of everything in between

Still, however, I wasn't prepared for the Mormon version of the sacrament. They used bread and water. My Woman and I were both floored. We'd never even heard of it before-- and I like to think I'm sort of up on religious differences. There were also rituals that I'm sure we screwed up-- like my Woman tried to hold the Communion tray by it's base and the guy who was the Mormon equivalent of a Lay Eucharistic Minister flinched trying to pull it away from her-- apparently we were only supposed to hold the handle. All in all, though, we survived and no one looked horribly offended. We spent the rest of the service listening to the sermon and trying to discreetly make faces at the children in front of us.

On our way out, the President greeted us-- he'd invited us to stay for their classes afterwards, but we couldn't stay. He handed us a notecard and explained that it was the contact info for a special Mormon singles church-- my Woman and I almost didn't make it out of that conversation without giggling. It was super, super sweet of him, but so misguided. Clearly, he thought, "Here are two single women (because we would have brought our man with us if we had one) who love kids and are moderately interested in the Mormon Church. Obviously, I've won the evangelism lottery-- I just send them to a singles' group, they meet nice Mormon boys and have Mormon babies." And honestly, who could blame him? I would never assume that two women showing up at a Mormon church were engaged to each other. So we've kept the card-- I don't know exactly why. Maybe partly as a reminder to be aware of misguided evangelism in our own lives, maybe partly as a reminder that they are nice people in spite of what their church did for Prop 8, or maybe as an outreach idea-- I totally would have gone to an Episcopalian singles group when I was single. Anyone want to start one?

Sexy Dolls Study and Religious Modesty

I suppose by now most of you have seen the article by C.R. Starr and G.M. Ferguson entitled "Sexy Dolls, Sexy Grade-Schoolers? Media and Maternal Influences on Young Girls' Self-Sexualization." The article has been covered a bunch, mostly with people expressing their shock and horror that 6-year-olds want to be sexy. I have to tell you, as someone who works with large groups of kids, I wasn't surprised at all.

The part you likely didn't hear much about was that they looked at mothers' religiosity as a protective factor (ie. would a child exposed to lots of sexualization in the media still want to be sexy at age 6 if her mother is more religious?). That, for me, was the most interesting part. Now, mind you, this was a majority Christian, majority White, midwestern U.S. sample, so Heaven only knows if you could actually generalize this to other people, but it's interesting nonetheless.

So here are the basics: girls were shown a sexily-dressed doll and a fashionably-dressed, but in more modest clothes. (You can check out that image here.) They were asked to choose which doll 1) looked most like them, 2) looked most like they wanted to look like, 3) looked most like the "popular girl" and 4) they'd want to play with the most.

Mothers were asked about a bunch of things, including how often they monitor their kids' TV use, how they feel about their bodies/appearances and their religiosity. The religiosity questions included: "How important is religion to your daily life?" and "How important do you think it is to teach your children your religious values?" This, in and of itself, is pretty cool. Most studies measuring religiosity just ask how often you attend religious services. That can be useful, but there's a huge difference between someone who goes to church once a week and doesn't think about it at all during the rest of the week versus someone who may not even go to weekly religious services, but who thinks about their religion all the time during the week.

The verdict was this: many of those thing that we all expect make children want to be "sexy" did, but only a little. Media influence? Yup. Mothers' opinions of their bodies? Sure. Of course, if you monitor your child's TV/internet/magazine use, that goes down a little. But what about religion?

Well, if a child watched a lot of TV and had a very religious mother, she was still likely to choose the more modest-dressing doll as who she wanted to look like most. And if a child's mother taught her about religion more, she was less likely to choose the "sexy" doll as popular. And the more religious the mother, the more likely a girl was to choose to play with the modestly-dressed doll.

Here's the kicker though: if a child watched very little TV and had a religious mother, she was more likely to say she wanted to look like the sexy doll.

Moral of the story, maybe? Being sequestered from the media only makes "sexiness" this forbidden fruit that everyone else has. But when you see "sexy" things on TV, but your nearest and dearest same-sex role model (because, let's be honest, for most 6-year-olds, that's mommy) is offering a modest alternative, that's the one you're more likely to pick.

This is good-- religiosity is just like every other part of your life; it can be used for good or evil. So choose wisely, my friends.

Reference:
Starr, C., & Ferguson, G. (2012). Sexy dolls, sexy grade-schoolers? media and maternal influences on young girls' self-sexualization. Sex Roles, doi: 10.1007/s11199-012-0183-x

A Wedding Dress Guide for the Modest Bride

I know I've abandoned this blog lately, but there's definitely a dearth of info for modest brides on the web, so I feel like this needs to be said.

I have finally wrapped up my wedding dress shopping, so I thought I'd include a post for anyone out there looking for modest wedding gowns. Be forewarned: it's ridiculous.

So let's start off with this: if you live in a community where your modesty standards are, if not the norm, pretty common, you can probably disregard this entire post. Mormons living in Utah? That's you. Tzniut women in Brooklyn? You too. The only exception is if you walk into your local modest wedding dress shops and find that they all sell the same kind of dress and you don't like it. (I feel like this a lot in tzniut stores, to be honest-- too much my-wedding-cake-ate-my-dress, not enough Grace Kelly.) Then, you should probably stick around.

First thing first, you could try your local modest retailers. Don't limit yourself to just your particular modesty standards. If you're tzniut, you won't look out of place in a hijabi wedding gown (minus the actual headpiece). By the same token, if you're tzniut and you try on a Temple-ready Mormon gown, it will be a lot easier to modify it to tzniut standards. In Chicago, I've found that there aren't a lot of modest wedding dress retailers. I actually ended up driving down to St. Louis to the wonderful Chatfield's to find a modest wedding gown store. (The dresses were beautiful and the service was absolutely wonderful, but they were ultimately not what I was looking for.)

If you find your perfect dress at a modest wedding store, yay!-- you're done. For the rest of us, we move on to the generic wedding retailer. Let me just get started by saying this is a total trip. Wedding dress shops are a totally different world where all the rules you learned about life in modern society go out the window. And not necessarily in a good way.

Now, as a rule, I would stick to small retailers, and here's why. Wedding gown stores are frequently packed to the brim with people. (When it's a small store, it could just be you and your small entourage-- when it's a big store it could be 20 other people and every member of their respective bridal parties.) And most of the assistants at wedding gown stores have lost every sense of modesty they ever had. It's just the nature of the business, I think. The last thing you want (and I speak from experience) is your bridal assistant throwing open the door of your dressing room to show your mother a dress you were wearing when you're as naked as the day you were born (or only slightly less so) and then refusing to close it while you get back in the dress-- while dozens of other brides and their families walk by.

So here's my fabulous guide to not having that happen to you.

• First, pick a small store that carries a designer who makes modest gowns or gowns that can be made modest. (Note: just because a store carries a designer doesn't mean they carry all their gowns, so if you have one you really want to see, ask about it on the phone before you make your appointment.)
• When you're making an appointment, mention your modesty requirements if you feel comfortable doing that. (Note: if you do this and they jump down your throat, you can cancel the appointment or you can say, "I know maybe none of your gowns meet this requirement right away, but I'd love to look at some gowns that would be easy to alter to fit my specifications." That usually calms people down.) Now would also be a good time to ask questions like how many brides have appointments at the store at once. A lot of smaller places only see one or two brides at a time and that makes it so much easier to be modest.
• Before you go to your appointment, get the right clothes. If you're Mormon, absolutely wear your garments-- since you have to cover them anyway, this covers everything you need the gown to cover and it gives you an extra layer of modesty while they're ripping gowns on and off of you faster than you can blink. If you're tzniut or hijabi and you don't have handy underwear that covers everything you expect the dress to cover, you have a couple of options. One, you could find said underwear. Two, you could do some combo of slip and t-shirt. This way, instead of being buck naked under the gown, you have another layer. I ended up borrowing a slip from my mother. The skirt was long enough that I felt reasonably covered and the neckline was as deep as I'd ever want my wedding dress neckline to be. Do remember that this ensemble shouldn't be too bulky.
• Once you get to the appointment, wearing whatever undergarments you've decided on, remind them of your requirements again. They may direct you to any modest gowns they already have. If they don't have any, they will likely ask you to pick out some samples of gowns you think would work. Go to town. Don't be afraid to ask if they think their seamstress could modify it and HOW. I can't stress that enough. If no one in the store can at least give you a vague idea of how to modify it, you don't want to even try.
• As you head to your dressing room, see if you feel comfortable with the arrangement. Often in small stores, you'll get a whole real room to yourself. You can always ask for something more private, but they won't always be able to accommodate.
• Once you get in the dressing room, you undress and the sales assistant helps you put the dress on. Some places will let other people help you with this (your mom or whomever you brought with you) but most won't. Before you tell me you don't need help getting dressed, let me tell you you're wrong. Everyone needs help getting a wedding dress on. Why? Because stores only carry samples in one (or maybe two, if you're very lucky) size-- it's usually what's called a "bridal 10" which fits a lot like a regular American 6 or 8 depending on the designer. If you don't wear a 6 or an 8 regularly, there will be a lot of tugging and pulling and clipping to make it look like it's supposed to look-- or even to get it to stay on. I've had the occasional gown fit perfectly, but most of the time I need anywhere from two to ten clips to keep it on.

I went through a whirlwind of stores and I have a couple quick recommendations near Chicago. First, House of Brides in Aurora, Illinois  has a decent selection of Mormon gowns and a vague appreciation for modesty. I've also heard wonderful things about Jasmine Galleria in Lombard, which does a kind of create-your-own-dress where you select a basic, strapless style and can add sleeves and necklines of your choice. (Check out their Temple Ready selection.) Ultimately, though, I didn't go with gowns from any of these places.

So... what to do when you've gone through all my above steps at a zillion stores and still can't find the gown? Or, alternatively, you don't have the budget for any of that? (Be aware though, Chatfield's is very reasonably as wedding gowns go-- more so even than David's Bridal or the like.) Well, then, on to the next battle.

• Check out antique stores and second-hand clothing stores. Vintage gowns are much more likely to be modest than modern gowns. They're also often much more reasonable.
• Now vintage stores may pose an additional problem-- where do you try on your dress? Most stores I've been to don't have a dedicated dressing room. All I can say for this is: wear something made of thin material that you might be able to slide under a dress, if at all possible.
• Also be aware of your vintage size. Your vintage size is often several sizes bigger than your current size. For example, I'm something like an 8 or 10 American. When I'm looking for vintage dresses, I look at dresses ranging anywhere from size 12 to size 16.
• Also remember that bigger is always better: if you find the perfect dress, but it's 2 sizes too big, buy it! Taking a dress in is easier and cheaper than letting one out. It also might give you extra material if you need to add to the neckline or sleeves.
• That brings me to an important point! If you're shopping for a modest wedding dress at vintage stores, those dresses will probably be harder to modify, because you won't be able to contact the designer to get more of the exact fabric. If you have a creative tailor, though, there are often fun ways around this. Just be aware when you go in.
• Also look online. While going online always carries a huge risk of not seeing what you're ordering beforehand, it also has some great options.
• You could order a custom gown from one of the wonderful sellers on Etsy.
• You could order from a department store or wedding boutique. (I ended up getting a Tadishi Shoji dress with long lace sleeves from Nordstrom.)
• You could also order from one of those cheap copycat retailers based in places like China. No word on whether this actually works out for people, though...

So that's how I did it, at least. And in the end, I ended up with a gorgeous gown that will only need to be tailored a little to meet my modesty standards. Good luck to you and happy shopping! Let me know if you have any suggestions to add!

A Modest Wedding, Part 2

I've been engaged for a little over a month now and it's getting harder and harder to manage a modest wedding. I'm not just talking the clothes, either. The average wedding in the US cost more than $26,000 this year! Now, my Woman isn't necessarily modest in dress (that's not to say she doesn't wear modest clothing sometimes, but that she is not intentionally modest on a daily basis). However, I think it's safe to say we try to be modest about our life in general-- you know, it's not about us being flashy; it's about God. Well, we try, anyway.

But the whole wedding scene is decidedly not modest, particularly in that respect. Every time I open a bridal magazine (and, I'll admit, I open a lot of them), they're telling me, "This is your big day" or, "This is all about you."

I've got news for the wedding industry. This isn't "all about me." It's about me, my Woman and God (not in that order). It's also about our families (as my mother so often reminds me), our friends and our communities. And whether we want it to be or not, it's also about politics. Because, for whatever reason, two women walking down the aisle and saying "I do" is a political statement.

Anyway, it's about all of those things, but mostly it's about love. And I think the hardest part about planning a wedding is taking a step back and thinking: "Okay, this isn't my day to look like a princess. This is the day I declare to God and everyone else that I'm spending my life with this woman."

A Modest Wedding?

Eee! So excited! So I proposed to my Woman and she accepted. The wedding won't take place for at least a year and a half yet, so we have time, but I'm already looking around for a modest wedding dress-- and that's hard!

Everything is strapless-this and spaghetti-straps-that. Ugh. And don't get me wrong-- I know I'm being high maintenance: I'm not just looking for any modest wedding dress-- I want THE ONE. I know-- the makings of a bridezilla. :) Anyway... let me list my requirements... and feel free to send suggestions.

Modesty requirements:

• Sleeves. As an example: I went to church today in a dress that had 2-inch thick straps. I'd brought a scarf to put over my shoulders, but it was so hot, I didn't wear it at all at first. Then, as we're getting up to go to Communion, I realize I won't feel right without my shawl. I threw it on and was fine, but it does mean I want my shoulders covered at least.
• Floor length. I'm with the Mormons on this one: modesty is relative, but most gowns are floor-length, so I want one that is at least floor length.
• Headcovering. Obviously, in the form of a veil.

Bridezilla requirements:

• Lace! I love lace and, like any good six-year-old, I think my dress should have as much of it as possible! Long lace sleeves, in particular, would be lovely.
• White-- my Woman wants a white dress and to have one bride walk down the aisle in white and the other walk down in a "Champagne" gown would just be awkward.

Practical requirements:

• Does not cost an arm, a leg and my first-born child. I'm not looking to hemorrhage money any more than necessary.
• Can be bought nearby so I don't have to do that crazy shipping back and forth thing.

Now that doesn't seem too difficult. Except it is.

What have I found? Well, surprisingly, the Mormons and I get along rather well on this front too.

www.beautifullymodest.com (shown above) has some wonderful things, but nothing local.

David's Bridal actually has something wonderful... and maybe I should just go for it. I just want to say, though, that I was into modest wedding dresses before the Duchess of Cambridge made it cool! Check out David's Bridal's copy of Kate's fabulous dress.

Oh! The lace sleeves! The gown is a little intense for me, but maybe I can't be too picky...

These are my thoughts so far, but I'm also only 1 day into being an engaged woman, so I'm sure I'll have more opinions soon. Thoughts, anybody? Suggestions?

Immodesty for Social Justice?

Okay, so first things first, read this: Israeli and Palestinian Women Take a Rare Swim.

Since I can safely say that y'all probably didn't read it (I know, we all lead busy lives), here's the gist: in an act of civil disobedience, several Israeli women took several Palestinian women to the beach. Which is illegal. Palestinians are not allowed out of the West Bank/Palestine/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. (Have you noticed that what you call that location is making a political statement?) Anyway, here's the part that interests me most. In order to participate, the Palestinian women dressed like Israeli women, which meant wearing significantly less clothing than what they believe is right.

So here's my question. For those of you who do wear clothes that you believe are important (or necessary) religiously or morally, would you participate in something like this, for a cause you believed was right, if it meant shedding the clothes that you believe are right?

Religious Justifications for Immodesty

So I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about my religious justifications for modesty, but truthfully, I believe that God really just wants us to be humble and not worry about what we wear. (Check out the specs on that here.) Modesty makes sense for me, but it may not make sense for everyone.

Since I feel this way, and since I know many religious people who don't believe in religiously-motivated modesty or believe in what I'll call religiously-motivated immodesty (ie. that God is okay or promotes us wearing things that aren't modest), I feel like I should write about it!

Perhaps one of the biggest argument for religious immodesty is that God, in all God's wisdom, created us naked. Genesis 2:25 "Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." The nakedness isn't the sin of Adam and Eve. Neither, mind you, are the clothes, but the clothes are emblematic of the sin: eating from the tree God told them not to eat from was the sin, which resulted in them being ashamed of their nakedness, so they made clothes for themselves.

Let's think about that for a second: our first sin as humans as symbolized by clothes-- God knows we sinned because we came out of it clothed. Forever after that, every (or nearly every) human over the age of, say, 2 wears clothes.

Let's pull back and personify God for a second. (I think that's appropriate because much of Genesis personifies God.) A friend of mine describes Genesis as a love story. And I so agree. God has angels. Why would God create humans? Answer: humans have free will and God wants to love a creature that chooses to love Her. Being loved and praised by creatures that are unable to do anything besides love and praise you isn't nearly as fulfilling as being loved and praised by a creature you gave the free will to turn away from you.

So God orchestrates this beautiful love story, creates humans and gives us stewardship of the whole earth and what do we do? We turn away. The marker of this change in the relationship is that humans now wear clothes. For millennia afterwords, humans continue to wear clothes. Rubbing salt in the wound much? Now, God is infinitely loving, so She has forgiven us this, but it still looks like we're just trying to piss God off, doesn't it? That right there is a fabulous argument not to wear any clothes at all. Of course, generally speaking this is an impractical argument, because most places in the world won't let you be naked.

Now let's talk about Jesus's feelings about clothes.

Jesus denounces even the most splendid of clothes as not as beautiful as what God has created. ("Consider the lilies, how they grow : they neither toil nor spin ; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these" Luke 12:27.)

Jesus continues, "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!" (Luke 12:28) What I get from this is that we need to relax and not worry about what we wear. What one might get from this is that the "clothes" God has provided for us (our skin, our hair, etc.) are enough and we don't need other adornments.


So there you go. Two basic arguments for religious immodesty.
1) Since clothes are a symbol of our first sin against God, the wearing of them and --worse!-- the fussing over them is a continual reminder to God of our sin.
2) Jesus even told us that what God gave us to cover us should be enough for us, at least in the way of beauty. We could not find any kind of clothes in the world that would make us more beautiful than the way God made us.
Actually, in fairness, these are probably better arguments for religiously motivated nudism, rather than immodesty, but it's what I've got.


Anyone else have thoughts on this to share?

Things I've Learned from Working in a Hospital

1. Not everyone wearing a white coat is a doctor. In fact, if she looks like a 22-year-old who just graduated with a BA in psychology, she probably is. But be nice to her, just to be on the safe side-- she could be your internist!

2. A lab coat makes a fabulous modest addition to any hospital worker's wardrobe. Or any wardrobe. Seriously. Suppose you find yourself in the following situation: you woke up late (on purpose) because you refuse to wake up before 6:00 am, even though you need to be at work at 7:30 am and your work is technically an hour and a half away from home. You throw on some clothes in the semi-darkness, which you picked out the night before, also in the semi-darkness, and rush out the door to work. Then suppose you have an awkward interaction with a subject in which your pretty sure he's not looking at your face, even though you're wearing a shirt that is only an inch below you collar bones, so you go to the bathroom to check out your outfit and discover that your shirt is actually see-through. In this totally hypothetical situation, what do you do? Grab a lab coat. Spilled marinara sauce all over your sweater? Lab coat. Cold in your office because they expect it to be warm in Chicago in the summer? Lab coat.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to answer the people who stop me in the hall to ask for directions to radiology. I always want to respond, "Why don't you ask a grown-up?" Oops... that might be me!

Modest Swimsuit Update

So that immodesty article will show up in a minute (read: a few days), but since my swimsuit post continues to get the most hits, I thought I'd update you all on my swimsuit search for the summer.

I got this top, but in black from shop.delias.com.

I initially planned to wear some kind of tankini and board shorts. I'm not interested in keeping tzniut, but I am interested in something more modest than your average tankini for my legs. And I don't buy those little skirts they sell either-- they may be a little more modest out of the water, but the moment you get in the water, it flies up and you might as well not be wearing it. That's not to say I disapprove of women who wear it-- if that extra coverage out of the water is all you need, go for it! It's just not for me.

I did end up with a really cute black checkered tankini from Delia's. (If you're not from the U.S., I think Delia's is generally thought of as a pre-teen girl store, but it had the cutest range of tankinis by far.) Again, I realize it's nowhere near tzniut, but I'm with the Mormons on this one: modesty is relative. Just perhaps not as relative as most Americans think it is...

Anyway, so the tankini went well.

The board shorts are another story. I looked all over. I wanted black or white (to go with the top) board shorts that hit just above my knees (or lower!) that were designed for women. Now, I know many a woman who will wear men's swim trunks, but I have 2 complaints with them. 1) I just don't think they look good on me. At all. Vain, I know, but hey-- a girl's got to have standards. 2) I resent having to buy men's clothing in order to cover my thighs and go in the water. That's just absurd!

I searched all over. Even Coolibar didn't have what I was looking for! (To be fair, Coolibar does have nearly knee-length swim shorts and even swim capris which go well beyond the knee, but they are skin tight-- not what I wanted.) I tried Lands End's longest swim shorts (an 11-inch inseam). Now, maybe this would have been enough if I weren't abnormally long-legged, but they were just the awkwardest length! It didn't look right at all and they didn't hit where I wanted them to anyway. So I returned them.

My sport skirt from Kosher Casual.

What I have settled on for now (although I will take suggestions) is my absolutely wonderful sports skirt with built-in leggings from Kosher Casual. Now, I asked, and this version is not chlorine resistant, but I'm mostly planning to swim in Lake Michigan and that may have a lot of things in it, but I'm pretty sure chlorine isn't one of them. They will start making the chlorine resistant version in a few weeks, though, which is good news! That's one thing I like about Kosher Casual: they are very willing to take suggestions where possible. Also, the clothes are just freaking gorgeous, even for those who aren't tzniut.

So that's my plan for the moment. I also need to buy a swim cap, because I'm covering my head out of the house, but swim caps are easy.

SlutWalk Chicago was Today!

I went to SlutWalk Chicago today and it was wonderful. It's always inspiring to see how many people turn out for that kind of thing! It was a little bizarre how many people were taking pictures of us (my Woman and I), especially without our consent! :O But we did consent when people asked...

Anyway, check me out,y'all!

 I learned how to turn one of my scarves into a niqab, thanks to The Non-Muslim Hijabi's Youtube video, which was super helpful, and using beautiful pins from The Modest Woman on Etsy.

If you can't read the sign, it says: "Don't teach women how to dress; teach men how not to rape." And yes, I did actually use a semi-colon in my protest sign.

Also, my woman came to SlutWalk, just wearing what she would normally wear.

Her sign says: "Nobody deserves to be sexually assaulted." On the back, it said, "To prevent sexual assault, stop victim blaming."

That's all for today-- it's a billion degrees here and balancing my laptop on my lap any longer just isn't an option. Tune in sometime later this week for a post about the religious justifications for immodesty.

Modesty and SlutWalk

So I'm going to Chicago's SlutWalk this coming Saturday and I'm totally pumped about it. If you haven't heard about SlutWalks, an explanation for them can be found here. The gist of it is, though, that a police officer was giving safety tips to law students in Toronto and said that women could avoid sexual assault if they stopped dressing like sluts. Understandably, this pissed a lot of people off, so SlutWalks started in Toronto to reclaim the derogatory word and to protest the police force's treatment of female survivors of sexual assault.


I think the movement is important, so I'm delighted to be going. It will also be my first (and, let's face it, probably last) time in a niqab, so I'm excited about that too. To recap, yes I am going to SlutWalk Chicago in a niqab.

So, now I'm going to address a couple of concerns I can see coming up in the blogosphere. 1) Is modesty the opposite of sluttiness? and 2) Should a modest woman (or man!) go to SlutWalk and why?

First question first. Is modesty the opposite of sluttiness?
Right off the bat, I'm going to remind you all, that I don't think God is necessarily a proponent of one or the other, so I'm going to keep God out of this and just talk about what I think (which is necessarily informed by my religious views), but my point is, I don't think God "sides with" the slut or the modest woman.

Okay, in order to see if modesty and sluttiness are incompatible, we have to know what both are. Slut, according to this dictionary, means "a person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous." Modesty is defined as: reserve or propriety in speech, dress, or behavior.

You could argue, then, either way. If we are talking only about modesty in dress, a slut could be modest. If we are talking about behavior, you could say a modest woman could not also be a slut, because sexual promiscuity isn't, by definition, reserve in behavior.

However, check out some of urban dictionary's definitions for "slut." Or, don't, if you are squeamish. The point is: urbandictionary.com is a website where people contribute their own definitions and many of these definitions say: "a woman who likes to have lots of sex." Now, even if you are a monogamous, sex-after-marriage kind of woman, by this latter definition, you could be a slut. And it could be a good thing.

Next question. Should a modest woman (or man!) go to SlutWalk and why? or Allie, why are you wearing a niqab to SlutWalk?
 I figure these two questions can be answered in one fell swoop.

SlutWalk is a protest about the fact that society still thinks that the women who get raped are the ones wearing the "slutty" clothes and thus, if you don't want to get raped, you shouldn't wear those clothes. This is an affront for every kind of woman (and man). It totally denies the existence of modest rape survivors. It also implies that our men can't control themselves when they see a woman in a short skirt. Never mind the idea that being a woman who enjoys sex is a bad thing.

So, who should be at SlutWalk?

• Modest Rape Survivors
• Immodest Rape Survivors
• Sluts (of all kinds!)
• Men

Meet me at SlutWalk Chicago (Thompson Center Plaza, June 4th at 12noon) if you agree!

Source: SlutWalk Chicago's SlutWalk Guerilla Street Performance that happened this past Saturday.

 By the way: now that you know what I'm wearing, what should my sign say? Any ideas?

Big Boobs, Short Skirts and Modesty

I don't have a forum to discuss these things with other modest women in real life, so I'd like to post a couple of complications I've had.

Ok, so I may have mentioned this before, but I have big boobs. They've always been that way. As a pre-teen, I showed about as much of them as possible. It was a pride thing for sure-- I had something very few other girls my age had.

As I've gotten older, it's been hard to find appropriate clothing, especially working with kids.

Here are my requirements for "appropriate":

• Doesn't show lots of cleavage, even bending over
• Not too tight
• Also, not a bag.

Here's a hint:

• For women with my breasts, they don't exist.

Also, at first I didn't understand why the tzniut requirement called for skirts below the knees, except that they are an easy line for delineation purposes.

After a week in a job where I have to wear formal clothes and with a traditional business skirt that hits just above my knee, I have different opinions.

I take the train and then the bus to work. On the train, the only seats available by the time I get on are on an upper level, often facing people on the lower level. How do I keep them from seeing up my skirt? Mostly, I've been contorting my legs in all sorts of ways to remain modest. Crossed at the knee, crossed at the ankle, crossed at the knee and then at the ankle, just pressed together, stretched out and pressed together. I must look like I have ants in my pants, skirt, whatever.

Any ideas? On either matter?

Job Interviews

So I just graduated from college and I've been doing a lot of job interviews. It's interesting how it has made me analyze my own modesty and head covering practices.

I have to ask myself: do I want to be noticeably religious? I'm still not sure. Is being visibly religious like being the light on the hill or like being the pharisee on the street corner? And is being blatantly modest analogous with being visibly religious? (To this last one: I think it depends on context. At work, modesty is not inherently religious; at the pool, it might be.)

I've been debating these questions the past couple of days.

Today, I was on my way home from the temporary job I just acquired, and I read The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila (the only book recommendation I've ever taken). She had two points that I think help with this whole light on the hill/pharisee on the street corner question. And, because I like quotes, I shall quote her.

I warn you: abandon yourselves [to acts of devotion] only under the condition that you harbor no illusions about the Beloved being under some obligation to repay you for your sacrifice with divine favors. [...] What can we offer such a generous Beloved, who died for us and breathes life into our being?


She's speaking to her sisters in the convent and talking about, in particular, giving up worldly goods. I think she probably also intends it to cover other acts of devotion as well. If you are doing anything, really, because you think God should reward you for it, you aren't "walking humbly with God."


I've never really thought of of tzniut or head covering as something that should bring repayment from God. Isn't everything we do supposed to be repayment to God? God loved us and created us and then we blew God off. God came to down to earth to teach us the way Home and we killed God. God has done everything for us and we, as a whole anyway, have been brutally unreceptive. So I think all our lives should be repayment back to God-- mind you, that's hard to remember even on my best days.

That's where the head covering comes in, I think. I, as a human full of faults, don't always remember to live my life as an offering to God. The head covering is my reminder. If it acts as a label to identify me as Christian or religious, that's fine, but it is first and foremost for me.

Walk Humbly with Your God

I teach Sunday School to 5th and 6th graders. They are a very intelligent, very energetic group.
Today, we were studying (among other things) Micah 6:8 where God calls on the people, instead of sacrificing oil and animals to Her, to "do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God."

Our activity involved making lists of things people in general and my students in particular could do under the headings of Doing Justice, Loving Kindness and Walking Humbly with God.

Some suggestions I got for Doing Justice were:
Stand Up to Bullies
Put Terry Jones in jail
Protest (Oh, Ann Arbor children)

Some suggestions I got for Loving Kindness were:
Helping children who are lost
Giving people hugs
Not being mean to people

Walking humbly with God was by far the hardest. But I told them about tzniut and how tzniut is based pretty much entirely on that part of this verse (source). Then they got into it and here were some of the suggestions I got:
Do what people tell you
Don't brag
Don't dress in a way that makes people pay attention to you

After this last suggestion, many of the students started to defend why they dressed to attract attention. (I mean, come on, many of them are in junior high and the rest will be soon.) However, one of my (male) students, who I'll call J, said in a remarkably thoughtful way, "I don't usually dress to make people pay attention me..." He paused, and then added, "Except my Converse."

I had to smile-- I loved that he thought dressing not to make people pay attention was important when all of his classmates were arguing against it. I also loved that he was willing to admit that he did wear his Converse shoes sometimes to attract attention! I think God would approve, for sure.

"Your skirt is way more modest than mine"

So I sat down on the bus the other day on my way home from work in my ankle-length jean skirt, a black jacket and a silver kerchief on. There was a guy sitting across from me, also wearing a skirt. His came to a bit above his knees. Now, I have to say, in rainy icky weather like that, I rarely see women wearing skirts around Ann Arbor, much less men. He looked at me, smiled, and said, "Your skirt is way more modest than mine. Now I'm embarrassed." I was delighted! I responded with something like, "Well, it's all about what you're going for, right?" But I was thrilled. I don't know if he intended it as a compliment or not (I think he did), but I've never had someone say to me before, "Wow, what a modest outfit you have there!" Usually it's: "Aren't you hot in that?" or more politely,  "I like your... hat," while I'm wearing a hijab. I'm not sure why I was so delighted with this, but I was.

Happy Belated Easter, everyone!

So Happy Easter! Sorry this made it up a bit late-- I went to Easter Vigil, then celebrated my Easter by sleeping in and then working at our local Domestic Violence Shelter-- where I wrote this (in the down time), but didn't get a chance to post it until now.

So today was my first day as a "free woman," so to speak. I also stressed out way more about clothes today than I have in at least a week. And don't get me wrong, clothes were stressful all through Lent, but now I have to decide what I want to wear rather than what's clean that I can wear that matches. :) Truth be told, I don't know what I want to wear.
So here's me trying to figure that out...

I know that I don't see pants as immodest or unfeminine. (To prove this last point, take any one of my jeans and put the butchest man you can find in them and he will look very feminine.) I do, however, see pants as a pain in the neck and not nearly as much fun as skirts.

Not many of my skirts are much shorter than 3/4 of the way down my thighs, but a good handfull of them don't cover my knees. I wore one of those today. With leggings. So my knees wouldn't feel totally bare.

The top was way more trouble for me. You see, I have 34DD boobs, which means that shirts that don't show one whit of cleavage on anyone else, show a lot on me. Today, I wanted to wear something that maybe didn't cover my collarbones, but also wouldn't show cleavage. In fact, maybe that's what I want all the time. I'm not sure. Either way, I own 2 shirts that fall into that category-- and both of them were dirty.

So I ended up wearing a shirt that covered my collarbones, but had short sleeves. I also covered my hair.

One of the big things I learned from Lent is this: my basic outfit of jeans and a t-shirt or jeans and a sweater may be comfortable for me, but it doesn't feel like honoring God. Not because of what I reveal or don't reveal necessarily, but because I want to think about God every moment of every day and I'm not. (Now, the odds of me actually achieving this are slim, but hey, a girl can dream.) So in order to achieve that, I'm going to start covering my head. It's not in obedience to Paul's command in 1 Corinthians... because I don't have a husband to show submission to. And also because I think Paul is a crock... a well intentioned crock, but a crock nonetheless. I plan on covering my head so that every time it annoys me, every time I have to fix it, every time I fuss about finding one that matches, I remember that God is always over me. That's the idea anyway. If it doesn't end up working, I may change it.

Another thing I learned from Lent is that there are parts of my body that I think should be between me, my Woman and God. And that's okay. And it's not necessarily parts of my body that I have issues with. Some of them are, but even then, the reasons I was having issues with them were because I expected the whole world to see them and thus, the whole world's opinion mattered. When I narrow it down to my Woman, my God and me, well... my Woman and my God like all of my body-- it's just me who needs to catch up. :)

Funnily enough, I think these areas correspond pretty well with the Mormon rules, which require that the clothes cover Temple garments (the women's are on the right). I think my body from my breasts down to 3/4 of my thigh should be covered, maybe my knees. I'm not so sure about cleavage yet-- simply because I'm unwilling, I think, to throw out all the clothes that show cleavage on me. I do think my shoulders should be covered almost all the time. (I'll make an exception for swimming.) And, although the Mormons never specifically state this, I think when the weather is cold and everyone else is wearing long-sleeves, I should wear long-sleeves most of the time too. To be honest, I don't think this has changed much since the beginning of Lent. I've simply learned that it's okay. I don't have to be okay with showing all of my body to everyone.

What do I think God thinks of this?

Well, as I've said before, I'm pretty sure God would prefer it if we didn't fuss about clothes at all. I shall work on that. In the meantime, I think God's pretty okay with my choices. Do I think God is also okay with what "Anne" wears? Yeah. Do I think God is also okay with what the women at the SlutWalks wear? Yup. I think God wants us to be comfortable in our bodies, to respect our bodies and to treat them as Temples of God, whatever that means to us. I think that can be done in all kinds of clothes.

Outward Acts of Religiosity

I think outward acts of religiosity are tough in Christianity. For one thing, we're supposed to be "not of this world," which makes us stand out whether we want to or not. For another, Jesus said when we fasted not to look like we were fasting and when we prayed not to be pompous about it. On the other hand, we do it. If your Catholic or Episcopalian, think crossing yourself.

I started crossing myself a while back, but I was hesitant about it for all the reasons one could be hesitant about blatant acts of religiosity. Now, though, I do it out of habit. I like it, I'm glad it's become habit, but it's definitely a habit.

Now, I work on a project studying youth suicide prevention. My boss is religious and Episcopalian. The team learned Thursday while I was there that a youth in our community had committed suicide. When I heard it, I crossed myself and prayed (silently) "Let light perpetual shine upon him." My boss saw and thanked me for doing it. She was upset and the sight of that familiar ritual was comforting.

That's why ritual exists, isn't it? So we can fall back on it for comfort? But we generally fall back on our own ritual not other people's, unless it's very visible. Is that why there are acts of religiosity that we do publically? To remind other people of faith that they're not alone? To give them something to fall back on?

Does my covering serve that purpose? I don't know.

Mann traoch, Gott läuch.

That, my friends is Yiddish for "Man plans, God laughs," at least as far as google is concerned.

I'm pretty sure God's laughing at my Lenten Discipline.

Here I am, trying really hard to strictly abide by modesty rules and what happens on my pilgrimage to Lourdes? Of course, to get in the baths, everyone strips (in relatively discreet places, I might add). I was naked as the day I was born in front of at least 3 women who I'd never seen before in my life and will never see again. It was such a shock to my system after so much modesty that I was shaking even before I was plunged in the icy water.

However, this experience that was enabled by these moments of total immodesty was an amazing moment for me. I'm not sure I feel "cured." (I don't think I'd know what "cured" felt like, anyway.) However, being in the bath (albeit briefly), felt like walking into a Mass that I didn't know was going on-- this suprisingly wonderful reminder that I am part of something much larger than myself.

Being dunked in the water, I was reminded of my baptism (and every baptism I'd ever seen or heard of), especially Jesus's baptism, I was reminded of all the other people who had been dunked in this water, all the people who wash their hands in it (including St. Bernadette), I was reminded of all the people who bathe in the Ganges, but maybe coolest of all, I was reminded that God gives us these reminders not only in holy places, but every time we encounter water.

Christianity (and many other religions) picked some really basic elements to make holy. Water in baptism. Food and drink in the Eucharist. Oil in the chrism. Sticks, well, branches, in Palm Sunday. Although I'm a thorough believer in transubstantiation, I think Protestants got one thing right in the whole it's-a-symbol concept. It is supposed to be symbolic everytime we pick up a piece of bread anywhere. My pain au chocolat this morning? Symbolically, the body of Christ. A reminder of the Eucharist I will partake in this evening, which is the literal body of Christ.

I've always been offensive, just by being myself.

It's true. If I did everything "by the book" (or "the Book"), I'd still offend a majority of the world's population, just by how I feel about women. (Shall I get in to the fact that it is actually impossible to do everything the Bible says literally? ...No, I shan't.)

Simply "having homosexual tendencies" makes me ineligible to teach Sunday School in many churches.

The loving, monogamous relationship I have with my Woman has made mothers pull their children away from us in the street. (Not knocking polygamy/polyamory-- that's simply a fight I'm not going into right now.)

Being Christian means 9 out of 10 gay people I meet assume I'm closeted and self-hating. Worse! They'll assume one or the other is a "phase"-- where have I heard that before???

And while I'm on other queer people! Some of the people I find I offend the most are other queer people who are less affectionate than my Woman and I are in church. Like, they feel the need to act like heteros so why don't my Woman and I?

So I can't get around being offensive and my choice was to minimize my offensiveness and not "act gay" --whatever that means-- or be myself and risk offending people.

My point is, I guess I'm going to have to do that here.

The modesty thing is constantly changing the way I look at clothing (more on that in another post), but I don't think I will continue it (at least in quite this way) in perpetuity. Head covering, on the other hand, I really feel called to, if that makes sense. It's not something we typically talk about having a calling for in the Episcopal Church, but I really just feel like it should have been there all along.

Maybe that's offensive. Or is it only offensive if I wear hijab? To that end-- here we go.

First off, I have yet to find a source anywhere where a Muslim person says they would be offended by a non-Muslim wearing a hijab. Now, I'm sure some Muslim somewhere is probably offended, but obviously it is not a majority. Not including the ones Megan found in my earlier post, here's what I found in my first two or three pages of googling.

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?7474-Can-a-non-muslim-wear-the-hijab
http://ilovehishmatheblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/juma-thoughts-non-muslims-wearing-hijab.html
http://uiforum.uaeforum.org/showthread.php?3202-non-muslims-wearing-Hijab
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=4676&CATE=115
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Islam-947/Non-muslim-wearing-hijab.htm
http://www.islamconcepts.com/2009/09/28/non-muslim-women-wear-hijab-talking-its-benefits/
http://www.islamicboard.com/comparative-religion/50194-non-muslim-wearing-hijab.html

And then there's this facebook group that is specifically for non-Muslim hijabis.

And, check out my blogroll on the right hand side of the page. Cover(ed) Girl is by Heather, a Christian hijabi who was formerly a niqabi. Little Steps Home is written by Amber, who is an Orthodox Christian who covers, as far as I can tell, sometimes with a hijab.

Even with all that, I just feel comfortable in a hijab-- perhaps it's because I prefer it when my ears are covered and I like having something that tucks into my shirt-- it just makes the whole thing feel more "right" for me.

And when I lived in Senegal, it was encouraged. Honestly, I fought it tooth-and-nail there because it felt like it was saying they would only treat me respectfully if I wore it. And frankly, I resent that, but near the end of my time in Senegal I got into the hijab more. (As a note: I covered my hair there a lot, because it was easier to do it and not look abnormal.) So maybe that let it in as an option for me? I don't know.

I might also add that there a finite number of ways one can cover one's head. At some point, I'm going to step on somebody's toes.

All I know is: I feel called to cover. I will continue doing so unless and until I feel called to stop or it gets too difficult to manage. As for the hijab, I will try to be culturally sensitive, but I don't think I'm upsetting hijabis. I imagine a lot of them feel called to the hijab and so understand what it's like trying to argue with a call.

I do appreciate your input; after all, I asked for it. It is totally enlightening and feel free to continue commenting, but in the end, it's my submission to God and it's my call.